Pain
by Hella-venger
Summary: Rosa may seem tough as nails. But she hurts, just like anyone else. Trans-Rosa.


Hey, everyone! Just kinda wanted to write up a little Brooklyn Nine-Nine fanfic. I've only recently thought about the concept of Trans-Rosa, and it is now all I want in life.

Also, this will deal with things such as transphobia, dysphoria, accidental self-harm and some blood. It will also be a more angsty fic than my usual ones. Please put your comfort first before reading.

If any of this comes off as offensive, please tell me. I'm a Trans Girl myself, but I have a hard time realizing if it's problematic or not.

You can also read this story on my AO3 account, Hailing Torrent.

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Rosa wasn't what you would call a 'chill' person.

Angry person? Yes.

Passionate person? Also yes.

Most likely person in the prescient to drop kick a computer through a wall? Very much so.

All of her friends were aware of this about her. They knew she had far from an easy life, even if they knew barely anything about it. Besides hearing that she had experience with ballet and gymnastics, they know little about her adult life. When it came to her childhood, all they really had to go on was that she went to a Catholic school.

Still, while she had something of a temper, she wasn't someone to take out her aggression on others. At least when she could help it. She knew that other people shouldn't have to suffer for the problems in her life.

Inanimate objects, on the other hand, didn't get the same preferential treatment. Many broken printers behind the Nine-Nine's offices could attest to that.

Rosa may overreact. She may get angry. She may lose her cool. But she liked to think she could focus and control it.

However, today, coming into the prescient an hour and a half late, Rosa wasn't so sure of herself.

Walking through the doors, she barely registered anyone around her. The greeting of the guy manning the desk barely got a response from her. Through the halls, she got a few comments:

"Oh, good morning, Detective Rosa."

"A bit late today, Diaz? I think Captain Holt's in a good mood, so you're lucky."

"Hey, Rosa. How's that case down by the docks going?"

And to each of them, Diaz barely anything other than a short growl or grunt. She was aware she was probably coming off as aggressive or angry. Nothing too out of the ordinary for her. She'd answer worse some days.

But she never felt as bad as she did now.

" _Just let it go, Rosa. It was just some bitch at the gym. Don't let her get into your head."_ Despite this advice to herself, Rosa had a very hard time heeding it.

Finally reaching her place of work, Rosa past through the small bar-gate that broke off the offices and the entry. Quickly scanning across the room, she saw the usual scene.

Jake and Amy were somehow flirting and snarking with each other at the exact same time. Rosa was glad they finally admitted their feelings for each other. The last few months had been the happiest she had seen either of them. Even though she would make the comment about their interactions, she secretly found it endearing at times. Sadly, this was not one of those times.

Scully and Hitchcock were at their desk, doing pretty much nothing. No matter what she said about them, Rosa couldn't imagine the precinct without them. And when they wanted to be, they could be very good detectives.

Charles was on the phone, which Rosa suspected had his son on the other line. If he wasn't talking to his wife, it was his son.

Terry was organizing some files. Rosa found this oddly comforting. Her world may be going to hell, but Sergeant Jeffords is still keeping everything in order. Gina appeared to be helping him, but seemed to be more just tweeting the whole thing on her mobile.

Reaching her desk, Diaz slipped her bag over her chair. Relaxing her back, she decided to take a minute to remember her yoga exercises. She may not have been able to do them in the middle of the building, but the little methods and techniques helped calm her down.

Looking at the case files to the left of her left, the aforementioned one from the docks being at the top of the pile, Rosa decided to boot up her computer.

Today wasn't going to be defined by what happened this morning. It would get easier. She was surrounded by friends. She didn't have to worry about them finding out. No one ever had to know.

A sharp _*Krrrrrsssshhh*_ sound came into her ears as her computer displayed a blue error screen. And just like that, the calmness, the tranquillity she had been attempting to maintain, fell to pieces.

With a primal yell, Diaz grabbed the computer by both sides, and hurled it furiously to the ground. With a quick leg, she began to stomp on the side of it, her yelling punctuated with each stomp.

Thoughts ran through Diaz's mind.

" _Fuck that bitch! Fuck that gym! Fuck this world! Fuck everything!"_

The stomping was interrupted by two arms wrapping around her back. Knocked out of her frenzy, Rosa looked over shoulder to see it was Terry, a frightened and worried expression marking his face. It was at this moment that Rosa realized he wasn't the only one bearing that face.

Around her, she could see the whole prescient surrounding her, in trepidation of what might happen. Jake was the closest, a confused and anxious emotion covering him.

"Rosa, what the hell was that? Are you OK?" There was an odd mix of worry and disappointment in Jake's voice. Rosa wasn't really sure why. This wasn't the first time she lost it, and went nuts on a piece of equipment. They had counter chart for it.

Behind him, Rosa could see Captain Holt, having just exited his office. Holt's lack of emotion was practically famous to anyone who ever met the man. But now, now he seemed concerned.

Her rage beginning to die, Rosa saw why everyone was concerned.

Rosa had thought she was stomping on the side of the computer, but had been actually ramming her leg into the screen of it. Cuts and scrapes dotted her legs. She could barely even feel it. Bits of glass sticking out only served to emphasize the disassociation.

Then, she heard the ringing of a phone. Looking forward, she saw Amy, looking teary eyed, dialling the number of 911 and requesting an ambulance.

This was not going to be a good day.

 _Three Hours Later_

Rosa sat in a hospital bed, a heavy amount of bandages wrapped around her injured foot. Throughout the whole thing, even when they were pulling glass out, she could barely feel any pain. That worried her more than the injury.

No one had asked what had happened. They knew this wasn't just her run of the mill, comedic "Hulk-Rage". There was something deeper to this. Something had hurt her, and the Nine-Nine wasn't going to prod for that info.

At least, that's what Rosa thought.

A light knock on the door caught her attention. The door opening slightly, she saw the familiar face of the only other female detective in the prescient.

"Hey, Rosa. Could I come in?" Rosa thought that this question seemed more of a formality than an actual request.

"Sure." The first full word that Rosa had said all day.

Coming through the door, Amy made her way to the chair opposite of Rosa's bed. While she didn't see it a first, Rosa notice there seemed to be a balled up tissue in Amy's hand. Combining this with the expression she saw at the prescient, Rosa deduced that Amy had been crying. This was one of the rare times that Rosa felt guilt.

In silence, the two sat with one another. Rosa noticed that Amy was staring at her, and whenever Rosa went to meet her eyes, Detective Santiago would beam a smile at her. Rosa guessed she was hoping that the positive feelings would transfer to the injured officer.

Rosa knew that Amy wasn't expecting her to talk. She was here as a comfort. Someone to share the awkwardness and uncomfortable atmosphere. Make it easier for Rosa to deal with.

But, Rosa wanted to talk.

"Close the door." A quick nod to the exit of the room was used by Rosa to emphasize the request. Amy quickly followed, shutting it.

"I'm gonna talk. What I say doesn't leave this room. Not to Jake. Not to Holt. Not to anyone. We clear?"

"Of course." There was none of Amy's usual awkwardness with this answer. This made Rosa feel confident in the sincerity of it.

Letting out a deep breath, Rosa ran her hands through her hair. This was not gonna be easy.

"I started a new gym a few months back. My old one got closed because of rats, or some crap like that. It wasn't that good. Bad heating. Dirt everywhere. Borderline hellhole." A slight smile appeared on Rosa's face. "I loved it."

"Anyway, I go there a few mornings a week. Like to work out there before I hit work. It helps work out some of the aggression." Rosa gestured towards her foot, highlighting the aggression.

"So, there was this girl, Rebecca or some dumb name like that. She hadn't given me any trouble. Barely even interacted with her."

"Until today. When she decided that I shouldn't be allowed to change in the girls' room. Made a big deal of it in front of the other girls when I came in."

Rosa saw the confusion on Amy's face. This was a very regular reaction that Rosa encountered when it came to this.

"Santiago, I'm a Trans Girl. And I don't know how, but somehow that bitch Becky found out. Nothing came out of it. The other girls had my back. Apparently, they're a lot cooler than I thought they were."

Coughing a bit, Rosa rubbed the side of her face. This really wasn't something that got easier to talk about.

"But, just having to deal with garbage from garbage people like that kinda fucks you up, y'know? Puts you in a bad place for the rest of the day. Makes you do stupid stuff." Rosa once again gestured towards her bandaged foot to emphasize this.

Rosa was done. This was all she wanted to say. She didn't want to have heart-to-heart with Santiago. She didn't want to have a grand Coming Out to everyone in the precinct. She just wanted to let somehow know why. Let someone know how she felt.

For another time, they sat in silence. No words between either of the two for about a minute.

"Wow, Rebecca sounds like a complete bitch." A look of pure disgust was on Amy's face. The look of a good ally who can't stand hearing about bigotry.

Hearing Santigo's response, Diaz let out a barking laugh.

They didn't need to get emotional.

But they could talk about how much of a Transphobic bitch Rebecca was.

And that was really all the Diaz wanted.

* * *

So, what did you think?

Please read and review!


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